Just when you think it can't get any worse, it gets worse.

And no, I'm not talking about the Steven Spielberg movie "War of the Worlds." I'm talking about the space cadets from the feckless planet Texas Legislature.

First, our lawmakers have a special session so they can reform school financing and cut property taxes for Texas homeowners.

Then, they put both issues on the back burner and vote for raises for judges and increased retirement benefits for themselves.

Are these people just trying to get egged? Who's doing PR for these guys? Jack the Ripper?

Geez, at this rate I expect these guys to vote for new recliners for themselves to put on the House floor with a widescreen TV so they can watch ballgames on ESPN.

The problem is that to pass a school finance package, legislators would have to put a tax whuppin' on business. And business money is what got some of them elected. So they're having a hard time billing their pimps.

So expect a Pay-as-You-Go school finance program where Texas children pay by the class. Under this proposal, parents would give their kids money in the morning to attend the classes they want them to take that day, just like they do with lunch money. Algebra? That's a $10 class today. American history? Special today is $7.99.

It should come as no surprise that the House used a voice vote so there would be no written record left behind on their vote to raise their own benefits. No record left behind? What about no child left behind?

Maybe the Legislature will pass a law requiring kids to be taught how to hitchhike so they can catch up.

I've been trying to think of some things our legislators could do to make themselves even slimier. It hasn't been an easy assignment, since they have lowered the bar to the point where limbo'ing under it would be a magic trick for a midget.

To make itself appear even more useless, the Legislature could:

•Pick a school finance program by playing rock-paper-scissors.

•Vote to put a Hooters in the Capitol annex cafeteria.

•Rent a string of stretch limos at state expense, then head out to Hippie Hollow and go skinny-dipping.

•Use per diem money to see who can stuff the most bills in a G-string at Sugar's.

•Just call the whole darned thing off and leave for a two-week all-expenses-paid vacation in Jamaica.

•Have a big toga party on dress-down Fridays and have House Speaker Tom Craddick lead a conga line down Congress Avenue.

•Vote in two-for-one drink specials for themselves in all Texas saloons.

•Put a hot tub in the rotunda and see how many Republicans can fit in it without getting stuck.

•Use school finance money to outfit themselves in camo at Cabela's, then go dove hunting out of season.

•Accept money from a political group set up by Tom DeLay. Hold that thought; it's already been done.